Life Among the Liberals Part I: A Lone Conservative in a Sea of Liberals

Kim du Toit
April 2, 2002
12:06 PM CDT

Lemme tell ya, it’s no fun being a conservative living in Lakeview, Chicago. For those unacquainted with the place, it’s a couple square miles of apartment buildings located on the north side of the city, and is known as ‘’Boys? Town’’ in the local vernacular. Let’s just say that the annual Gay Pride Parade is well attended around here—that is, if the inhabitants can tear themselves away from clubs like the Manhole (no kidding).

The majority of the rest of the population here are old, wealthy folk of the Jewish persuasion. I say ‘’persuasion’’ because my buddy Dov (an observant Jew) told me that Temple Shalom on Lake Shore Drive is known to Orthodox Jews as the ‘’Temple of Lies.’’ To describe this lot as Limousine Liberals is to slander liberals. Name the issue, they’re on The Dark Side: gun control, the Great Society, Dead White Males, peace at all costs, multiculturalism, public schooling, whatever.

Unfortunately, the area has much to recommend it. Wonderful restaurants, great bookstores (of the non-Borders variety), and fine supermarkets totally unlike the soulless Safeway/Kroger/Winn-Dixie model. Walking distance from Wrigley Field, home of the Marketing Exercise Known As The Chicago Cubs. And, of course, my wife can get a terrific hairdo at any one of the many salons within two blocks of the apartment, which is, I suppose, one benefit of living among this particular demographic. Okay, the local deli is as good as any deli in New York, thanks to the other major demographic.

Needless to say, Lakeview’s political representation would make old Trotsky nod with approval. Both U.S. and state representatives are (big surprise) female and (no surprise) Jewish, not to mention extreme liberals (duh). They may or may not be lesbians; I’m not sufficiently interested in finding out.

Effectively, this places my vote in the ‘’useless’’ category—in Lakeview, the Utterly Raving Loony Party gets more votes than the Republicans. So Pinkos One and Two can cheerfully ignore my protests—name the issue, I’m on the other side of these two socialists—because I’m a minority to the same degree as Al Sharpton at a Klan rally. My wrathful e-mails generate a dismissive form letter (by snail mail, months after the issue has become moot), thanking me for writing Jan or Sarah, followed by the standard position statement on whatever aroused my wrath on that particular occasion, which causes a re-ignition of same.

My wife has pointed out that if my letters didn’t begin: ‘’Dear Commie Bitch’’, perhaps I’d get a better response. Hmmm? naaahh, the next sentence would probably give me away (sample: ‘’What are you people smoking in Washington?’’). I’m doubtless on some ‘’nut’’ list with the FBI or Secret Service by now anyway. The fact that I’m pro-Second Amendment practically guarantees it. Which leads me to my next point.

My apartment overlooks the entrance to the aforementioned Temple Shalom, which puts me smack bang into what the Bin Laden Fellowship would call a ‘’target-rich’’ environment. Unfortunately, if a bunch of Paradise-seeking Islamist fanatics decided to hose down the departing Sabbath congregation with AK-47s, I would be able to do little more than watch their murderous fun and games.

Why?

Because thanks to Hizzoner Mayor Richard (The Lesser) Daley [spit], I’m not allowed to own a gun if I want to live inside his little kingdom. As an Army veteran, this offends my sense of civic responsibility beyond words. In the above scenario, I could guarantee Paradise for at least one bad guy, if I could keep my own trusty assault rifle handy. And no, even though the Addison Street police station is only four blocks away, by the time the CPD finished their donuts and made their way here through the dense city traffic, the attackers would be long gone, leaving behind nothing but dead liberal bodies and expended cartridge cases.

Now there’s irony for you.

Life Among the Liberals