Who’d Ya Like To Do?—The Results
July 24, 2003
9:33 AM CST
Now I know why lazy college professors and inept public school teachers set multiple choice questions instead of essay questions. It took me about 5 minutes to set up the “Hotties I’d Like To Lay” databases, and a half-hour of data entry, compared to a full day grappling with the screeds about national ID cards.
About the same number of responses, incidentally.
Let me deal with the ladies, first.
I know that a website which spends most of its time talking about guns is not going to draw as much female attention as, say, an article in Cosmo entitled “Six Great Ways To Swallow”.
But only three female respondents? That does it—it’s nudies, farts and ass-scratching on this site from now on.
Interestingly enough, there was not one common hunk between them, so all the men ended up with a tie. In alphabetical order, they were:
Brad Pitt
Carl Sagan
Clark Gable
Elijah Wood
Errol Flynn
Harrison Ford
Matt Damon
Matthew McConnaghy
Mel Gibson
Robert Heinlein
Robert Redford
Thomas Jefferson
Tom Cruise
Tommy Lee Jones
Val Kilmer
Ho hum. How boring. Maybe it’s true what they say about conservative chicks.
And now, having chased off even those three, let’s look at what the men said.
I was amazed how varied was the array of comely women, and how few women were common to many men (455 votes from 92 men—not every man gave five choices; perhaps they’re just old and feeble, and the very thought of five women makes them tired).
Anyway, there was no runaway winner. The top three vote-getters (# votes) were:
Sophia Loren (13)
Raquel Welch (12)
Marilyn Monroe (10)
I’m amazed. Clearly a few adolescent fantasies still have power (which, for a bunch of conservative farts like my average Readers, is not too surprising).
Tied for fourth place, with 7 votes each, were:
Ann-Margret
Audrey Hepburn
Natalie Portman (the first “youngin” on the list)
Tied for fifth, with 6 votes each, were:
Ann Coulter (!)
Betty Page
Halle Berry
Sandra Bullock
Then with 5 votes each came:
Barbara Eden
Catherine Deneuve
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Katherine Hepburn
With 4 votes:
Angelina Jolie
Charlize Theron
Cleopatra (the first of the “historical” hotties)
Ingrid Bergman
Jennifer Connelly (who?)
Lucy Liu (who?)
Michelle Pfeiffer
Nikki Cox (who?)
Salma Hayek
Then came 11 women with three votes, 54 with two, and the rest (367) all had only one.
There are a couple of interesting things to note:
1. Four oversexed bastards wanted a threesome—the Olsen twins (2), the Bush twins (Jenna and Barbara). One guy, who is clearly in a class of his own, nominated “Airforce Amy and Sunset Thomas from the BunnyRanch”—not generally famous, perhaps, but then I don’t move in those circles, so who can tell?
2. More than a few people wanted to see if the history was true: Helen of Troy, Catullus’s Lesbia, Cleopatra, Salome, Boudicca (or Boadicea), Margaret of Anjou, Theodora of Byzantium, Lucrezia Borgia, Lily Langtry, Queen Elizabeth I and even Queen Victoria. The guy who nominated Catherine the Great of Russia needs help.
3. Some of you guys have skanky tastes, I have to say—let’s just say that �ber-skank Angelina Jolie was one of the classier choices—but at least no one admits to fantasies about Mrs. Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love.
4. The Fox News babes got surprisingly few votes. None got more than one.
5. I had a nasty moment when someone nominated Julia Stiles. For a minute I thought he’d written Julia Childs, and had to go off to be sick.
6. The stars of the 1930s and -40s got their fair share: Ingrid Bergman, Clara Bow, Myrna Loy, Rita Hayworth and so on.
7. I’d never heard of many of the nominees, but that’s not surprising because I’m hardly an aficionado of pop culture.
8. Marilyn Chambers got two votes. Dude, that’s got to be like waving a hot dog in the Holland Tunnel.
9. Finally, I said this was going to be an anonymous thing, but I thought I’d just share my personal top 5, because it’s my website, after all (in no order):
Kirstie Alley
Katerina Witt
Lynda Carter
Ann-Margret
Catherine Deneuve
10. Oh, I forgot: Rachel Lucas got one vote.
