Worst Movies

January 2, 2003
7:54 PM CST

"Bad" for me is defined not by "B" movies and cheapo production values, but by pretentious, big-budget productions with stars and/or established actors creating, in the end, something unwatchable.  The list, unfortunately, grows longer by the week.

2001:  A Space Odyssey � MAD Magazine had it right:  201 minutes of space idiocy.

Apocalypse Now � Unreadable novel turned into an unwatchable movie;  and then came Brando to push it into the abyss.

Caddyshack 2 � Dreadful beyond description.

Citizen Kane � Melodramatic and self-indulgent crap, full of snide inside jokes.

Funny Girl � Streisand trying to do Carol Channing, and failing by a Brooklyn block.

Hurry Sundown � Cockney Michael Caine playing Southern gentleman, Hanoi Jane at her most strident, stock Uncle Tom Black people�. and the movie goes down from there.

It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World � And it’s a bad, bad, bad, bad movie.

The Klansman � Just your normal evil racist redneck movie, starring Richard Burton (huh?!) as the redneck.

Jesus Christ Superstar � "Even managed to offend atheists." (I don’t know who wrote that, but it’s perfect.)

Myra Breckinridge � Easily the worst movie ever made. 

The Name of The Rose � All that suspense, for nothing.  The biggest anti-climax ever filmed.

The Night Porter � S/M soft porn, played like it was an art movie.

The Omen � Offended even more atheists than Jesus Christ Superstar.

Pretty Woman � Cinderella on Hollywood & Vine.  Like that’ll ever happen. 

The Prince of Egypt � Just about everything bad ever done, all in one movie.

Reds � Jack Reed’s final blow against capitalism, and Warren Beatty’s blow against succinct movie-making.

Spartacus � Turgid and heavy-handed swords ‘n sandals.

Titanic � Totalitarian movie-making.

And let me include the compendiums, which get blanket condemnation for the ineptness of their "stars":

Any Steven Seagal movie.

 

Any Rod Steiger movie.

 

Any Mel Brooks movie.

 

Any Jerry Lewis movie, with or without Dean Martin.

 

Any Marlon Brando movie, except On The Waterfront, which is just (barely) mediocre.

 

Any martial arts movie.

Special Mention:

Betsy’s Wedding - Even though I’ve never actually seen this movie, it was written by, directed by and starred Alan Alda.  The ultimate Trifecta of Terrible.