Trimming Down

October 24, 2008
7:18 AM CST

Enough people have written to me asking about my health that it deserves a post.

I had my lap band surgery in July. Since then, I’ve lost about 35lbs. I could have lost more, but I didn’t, reasons for which I’ll explain anon.

Most of you are aware of the problems The Mrs. has had with her more-radical gastric bypass surgery, so let me talk about what happened to me.

If you are about 70-90 lbs overweight (as I was), with high blood pressure and similar health problems lurking around (as I had), then the lap band may be a decent option for you.

After the op, I lost most of the 35lbs, maybe twenty or so, in the first two weeks.

And after my post-surgery diet of protein drinks, broth and vitamin tabs (which I had to follow for the first couple of weeks) had ended, I resumed eating more or less the same foods as I’d always eaten. The only difference is that the quantities have been drastically reduced. Had I continued with the recommended diet of protein drinks, broth and vitamin tabs, I’d no doubt have lost a larger amount, but I didn’t, so I hadn’t.

Here’s the thing. Food has never been an obsession with me—at least, in terms of quantity, anyway. It’s always been about the taste—but even though the portions were large, I always cleared the plate. Old boarding-school (and Army-) habits die hard. And I suffered few ill-effects, I might add, because I remained active. Up until about age 45, my weight had always been under control—I was then only about 30lbs overweight—and I’d even coached the Son&Heir’s soccer team, doing their exercises with them, and running up and down the sidelines as touch judge without any problems at all. After I turned 45, however, whenever I put on a pound, it stayed—and 5lbs a year, which doesn’t sound like much, gets up to “massively overweight” pretty damn quickly.

And the reason I put on the weight was because I was laid low with gout. When it’s excruciating agony just to move from one room to the next, you don’t move very much at all—and I didn’t. No activity + eating same large portions = considerable weight gain. It was only blunt words from the doctor which made me realize the spiral I was in. (”If you don’t lose weight, you’re going to die, you fat bastard,” or something to that effect.)

Tried a diet (the first time ever in my life), and it failed after a few months. No willpower, even with premature death threatening. Stupid, I know. But basically, I required drastic action to force me to quit eating so much, and so much of the wrong foods. Hence, the lap band surgery.

Here’s why I haven’t lost more weight. I’m losing about two or three pounds a month, and that’s fine with me. (As it is, I’ve gone from a 46” waist to about a 41”, and will be about 40” or even 38” by Christmas. And I’ve gone down a full shoe size, which astonished me.)

As I said before, I could have lost more, but I’ve refused to: because I’ve chosen “quality of life” over “rapid weight loss”, the compromise being the quantity I eat, and which foods.

And here’s why I refused to change my diet choices: to put it about as plainly as I can, diet foods taste like shit. Sugar substitutes taste like shit, protein drinks taste like shit, “low-fat” foods taste like shit, “sugar-free” foods and drinks taste like shit, and don’t even get me started on skim milk, whose appellation (insofar as the “milk” part is concerned) should be properly labeled as misleading ("grayish water” would be more accurate, and about reflects the nutritional value thereof). All those powdered whey concoctions taste like shit. All those “weight loss miracle drinks” taste like shit. They all taste especially like shit if they form a major part of your diet.

So I’ve compromised, as I knew I would. I don’t eat as much fruit as I did (fruit is a stopper), for instance, but I do eat it occasionally, in tiny portions spread out over a lengthy period. (It takes me about half an hour to eat a grapefruit, for instance.) So instead of a 16oz steak, I now eat four ounces. And because of the lap band’s effect on your “hunger” impulse, you’re quite satisfied with a quarter of what you used to eat. And let me tell you: if you over-eat, you throw up, after an agonizing feeling of choking. Talk about a great behavior modifier.

What I miss: several of my favorite foods, which I can’t really eat anymore, not because they’re fattening, necessarily, but simply because they won’t get through the tiny stomach aperture which the lap band creates. Such foods include: fruit, as noted above, baked potato skins, un-toasted bread, grapes, tomato skins (pips can cause a problem too), and things like corn (torture) and sometimes, baked beans. All those things can clog up your stomach opening, making you feel full before you really are (and, more importantly, they stop you from eating the protein foods like meat, which really are important to your diet). I do eat some vegetables, but with extreme caution, because they are the supreme stomach plug.

My weight isn’t “perfect” yet, but it should be, in about a year’s time, at current weight dissipation rate. What has happened is that I’m bursting with energy. Not the “run fifty miles” energy, but no lack of energy to go up and down stairs, walk long distances, perform physical tasks for longer periods of time, and so on. My blood pressure is about 115/85 (compared to pre-surgery/Diovan levels of about 150/110). I still take the Diovan each morning, just as a precaution, and once a week, take 81mg of aspirin just to be on the safe side.

Best of all, I can still eat all the stuff I used to, just in much-smaller amounts. Yeah, I’ll probably never eat a hot dog again (bread + sausage skin = fuggeddabahdit), and I don’t care. Most of all, I’ve quit drinking (anything) during meals, and don’t drink anything for about half an hour afterwards. (The liquid breaks down the food into mush, which means it goes through your stomach opening more easily, and you end up eating more.)

The biggest, and most profound change in my life is that, for no reason anyone can explain, my gout has disappeared completely. And I mean “disappeared”, like turning off a light. I went into the operating room with an aching foot, and came out with no pain. Nada. And the gout has not come back, even though I’ve occasionally lapsed in my old gout-defined diet, sometimes eating gout-bad things like lamb, mushrooms and bacon, and even, on State occasions, drinking a beer or Scotch. Note that said lapses have been small, and far between (I don’t want the Demon to return, believe me). No more Allopurinol, either.

So most importantly (more important even than the weight loss): I’m free of pain. The pain of the surgery subsided quickly (about three days of bearable aches, and another five of slight discomfort) and the scars healed. I brought home lots of codeine tabs and ended up taking about two, total. I’ve been feeling like I did at age 40: energetic, alert, resourceful.

Because of the gout pain, I’d been an invalid for over five years, and never really knew it. The debilitating effects of pain cannot be understated: it’s not just a physical thing: one is affected psychologically, too, and I was. Depression, which had never been a problem for me, was now a constant companion, and I didn’t notice that either. I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t work, and of course couldn’t do even the slightest bit of physical exertion. I also had a hernia, unbeknown to me. (That would explain the occasional sharp pains in my abdomen, then.) The surgeon fixed that as a matter of course while installing the lap band.

That’s all gone now. I feel great, and if I’d known it was going to be this easy, I’d have had the surgery at age 40 when I was only thirty-odd pounds overweight, instead of waiting until I was nearly a hundred pounds in the wrong direction.

Now you all know.